The New (Year) Plan

After a lot of thought we've decided to hold off on a December transfer and shoot for January instead. We of course hate putting off another try but, on top of it being the holiday season - my birthday, anniversary and our annual family vacation all fall within the last three weeks of the year. The thought of all that going on at the same time as an emotionally charged cycle/transfer had me feeling a little overwhelmed. K was so understanding when I told her my concerns and she was supportive of pushing things back so I can be in a good place come transfer and the TWW.

We initially hesitated because this timeline will require the retrieval to take place in early December and any resulting embryos will be frozen until the chosen transfer date. If you recall, we didn't have a good experience going this route for our first transfer. However, the clinic assured IM that we are dealing with a new protocol and a different set of variables this time around, and statistically there is no difference in success rates between fresh and frozen. We are praying this next cycle/retrieval results in some beautiful eggs that will make perfectly healthy "snow babies" for our wintertime transfer.

Since we are doing an FET we were able to look ahead at the RE's January transfer window and are making arrangements for the 20th. It's still 3 months away but with the holidays approaching and my protocol and monitoring appointments starting in the midst of it all - it will no doubt be here before we know it.

Some setbacks

Well the title of the post says it all, we've experienced some unexpected delays over the past couple of months so our transfer timeline continues to get pushed back. We were hoping for late fall but, it looks like we may be looking at December. IM has really taken this in stride, I don't know how she holds her head so high despite the disappointments. We'll continue to move forward and I'll share updates as we have more news.

I have some exciting personal surrogacy related news to share. My BFF and surro-sister Daisy delivered her surrotwins this past week. It was an amazing journey and I feel so blessed to have been a part of it. I was even lucky enough to visit the boys in the NICU and get in some cuddle time before they headed home with Mom & Dad. I want to send a huge CONGRATS out to Daisy and her IPs A&S. Welcome to the world lil Austin and Owen.

Time with the Lil Man

Yesterday marked two years ... two years since I tested and soon after shared with A&T that we were pregnant. (BFP!!) Then yesterday, two years after that event, I had the pleasure of watching their lil guy trash our playroom from one end to the other ... AMAZING!!!

Baby G is a busy little toddler now, he's curious and doesn't miss a thing. He enjoyed hours of exploring my home, playing with all the toys, rearranging furniture, smashing grapes into the floor, attempting to play in the toilet and giggling while hunting down cats. I loved every minute of watching him do all this. He's a very happy kiddo, full of smiles and eager to share a hug or high-five when asked. Giovanni is doing a lot of babbling and using some words too; shoe, ball, dadda, "o ju" (hold you), "wh-tat" (what's that) and a few more. I wasn't sure how Baby G would look since last time I saw them all A was talking about getting his hair cut for the first time. Well turns out he's had a few trims but still has that gorgeous head of curls. I can see why A can't bear to cut them off - if he can pull of the lil baby look for awhile longer why mess with the cuteness.

A&T have definitely settled into their role as parents over the last almost year and a half. They've come a long way as their confidence has grown. You can tell they are amazed and enamored with their lil guy but like any child, he drives them crazy sometimes. Oh the joys of parenthood!

They have had a busy summer, lots of traveling seeing as they were displaced from their condo due to some renovations that were being done. After nearly a month of staying in hotels and at T's parents they are settling back in at home and life will hopefully slow down so they can get back to a normal routine. I'm so glad we were able to pin them down for a visit!

It's always a great time catching up, eating some good food and drinking a lil wine. I feel so blessed and lucky that I'm able to continue watching Giovanni grow, sharing in all these milestones, and having a great friendship with A&T too.

(A few pics were added to the Photo Album) Enjoy :)

A Special Evening

This past Saturday Jason and I visited my IPs K&S. They invited us to a BBQ at their place that included a small circle of their friends. Everything was wonderful. We got the warmest welcome from everyone and it was so very nice to meet everybody. K made a delicious meal, we were all stuffed. After dinner we enjoyed some dessert and drinks and played a couple fun games - girls against guys. It was a good time filled with lots of laughs and silliness and it was early morning before we all headed home.

I want to say thank you to K&S for including us and introducing us to everyone. They are very blessed to have such a great group of friends to support them through this journey. I'm humbled by the thought that although I've known K&S for such a short time I've been allowed to share in some of their closest friendships - thank you everyone for being so welcoming.

We are still hoping to move forward with a fall transfer, the details are still sketchy and it might be a bit before we can confirm a timeline but I'll be sure to let you know as things unfold.

Next weekend ... a visit from A&T and Baby G. Can't wait!!!

Onward and Upward

I figured an update was in order.

Last week was rough, I won't lie - I'd never experienced that kind of a letdown. I couldn't even complete a task like cleaning the litter pan without bursting into tears - "I'm supposed to be pregnant for K&S and shouldn't be allowed to do this!" I can only imagine how IM felt, this being one of many disappointments they've experienced on their journey to parenthood. We were all so optimistic that this was it and the "fun" wait was about to begin.

IM and I have been keeping in touch. We've shared our disbelief, disappointment but also continue to stay positive and hopeful. K had made the comment that she was selfishly glad I was here to go through this with her - to which I said that's not selfish at all, I'm glad I can be here. For years I've had a place in my heart for couples struggling with infertility and I choose to do this in hopes to share this burden and ease the pain and struggle. I knew there was no guarantee that it would come easy, even for me a mother of four and experienced surrogate.

The clinic has been monitoring my hCG levels. Last Friday they had dropped to 24.1 and shortly after getting these results I began to bleed - a sure sign that I was returning to "normal". They repeated bloodwork today and the levels are down to 0 again. As awful as this past week has been I'm really thankful that 1.) our RE requested the 3rd beta, otherwise we'd be walking into an u/s about now only to experience what I'd imagine to be an even bigger letdown 2.) this was just a chemical and not a more complicated miscarriage. As crappy as it's been it could be worse.

This isn't over yet. Infact a new plan is already in the works and we hope to move ahead with another cycle in the fall (Sept/Oct). Having this to look forward to has helped ease the disappointment and hopefully it won't be long before excitement sets in again. We may go into it a bit more guarded but even still, it's hard not to think of the possibility of it all coming together for them soon.

This Isn't Happening

I can't even believe it. Our 3rd beta brought the worst news ... it's a chemical. Basically it's a very early miscarriage before a heartbeat can even be detected. Sometime within the last few days the embryo stopped developing and the hCG hormone levels present in pregnancy began decreasing and the pregnancy was no longer viable. I don't even remember the number even though I had the nurse coord. repeat it. I just recall hearing 127 or something like that ... then blah blah blah ... stop meds, repeat labs Friday ... blah blah blah. So sad.

K heard the news from me but the delivery of those words were so impersonal - in a text. I hated sharing it with her that way but she's out of state at a conference and unable to take calls or listen to voicemails so earlier today she had asked that I text today's results when I got them. After I got the news myself I simply told her to call me when she could, which of course she knew wasn't good and asked what was happening. I could have sent a text saying a million times "I'm sorry" and it wouldn't have been enough.

Short term game plan ... stop meds and repeat bloodwork to be sure my hCG continues to decline. After that, I imagine it's a matter of getting up the courage to try again ... or at least I hope.