Onward and Upward

I figured an update was in order.

Last week was rough, I won't lie - I'd never experienced that kind of a letdown. I couldn't even complete a task like cleaning the litter pan without bursting into tears - "I'm supposed to be pregnant for K&S and shouldn't be allowed to do this!" I can only imagine how IM felt, this being one of many disappointments they've experienced on their journey to parenthood. We were all so optimistic that this was it and the "fun" wait was about to begin.

IM and I have been keeping in touch. We've shared our disbelief, disappointment but also continue to stay positive and hopeful. K had made the comment that she was selfishly glad I was here to go through this with her - to which I said that's not selfish at all, I'm glad I can be here. For years I've had a place in my heart for couples struggling with infertility and I choose to do this in hopes to share this burden and ease the pain and struggle. I knew there was no guarantee that it would come easy, even for me a mother of four and experienced surrogate.

The clinic has been monitoring my hCG levels. Last Friday they had dropped to 24.1 and shortly after getting these results I began to bleed - a sure sign that I was returning to "normal". They repeated bloodwork today and the levels are down to 0 again. As awful as this past week has been I'm really thankful that 1.) our RE requested the 3rd beta, otherwise we'd be walking into an u/s about now only to experience what I'd imagine to be an even bigger letdown 2.) this was just a chemical and not a more complicated miscarriage. As crappy as it's been it could be worse.

This isn't over yet. Infact a new plan is already in the works and we hope to move ahead with another cycle in the fall (Sept/Oct). Having this to look forward to has helped ease the disappointment and hopefully it won't be long before excitement sets in again. We may go into it a bit more guarded but even still, it's hard not to think of the possibility of it all coming together for them soon.

This Isn't Happening

I can't even believe it. Our 3rd beta brought the worst news ... it's a chemical. Basically it's a very early miscarriage before a heartbeat can even be detected. Sometime within the last few days the embryo stopped developing and the hCG hormone levels present in pregnancy began decreasing and the pregnancy was no longer viable. I don't even remember the number even though I had the nurse coord. repeat it. I just recall hearing 127 or something like that ... then blah blah blah ... stop meds, repeat labs Friday ... blah blah blah. So sad.

K heard the news from me but the delivery of those words were so impersonal - in a text. I hated sharing it with her that way but she's out of state at a conference and unable to take calls or listen to voicemails so earlier today she had asked that I text today's results when I got them. After I got the news myself I simply told her to call me when she could, which of course she knew wasn't good and asked what was happening. I could have sent a text saying a million times "I'm sorry" and it wouldn't have been enough.

Short term game plan ... stop meds and repeat bloodwork to be sure my hCG continues to decline. After that, I imagine it's a matter of getting up the courage to try again ... or at least I hope.

Repeat Beta

Our repeat beta results are in and looking good. We went from 96.9 (11dp3dt) to 262 today (13dp3dt). Ideally they want to see the numbers double within approximately 48 hours during the first few weeks of pregnancy and we are well within that range with a doubling time of 33.1 hours. The RE would like me to come in for one last beta before u/s. On Tuesday we'll be 17dp3dt and should be looking at a number around 1000. Stick baby stick!

Smiley Surprise

I received a nice surprise from my agency Family Source Consultants just a bit ago. They sure know how to thank a pregnant woman - a dozen smiley "flower" cookies. Thanks FSC!

Beta News

I just heard from the clinic and we have a nice beta for 11dp3dt.

The charts say - High is 223, Average is 95, Low is 33 - today's result was 96.9. This is a nice solid number which is very exciting - I'm thinking one sweet lil bean is growing.

Repeat blood work will be Friday with an u/s in about a week.

Positive Progression

Why so many tests you may ask. Isn't a "Pregnant" on a digi enough? Nope not for me - and I know K is enjoying the pic updates too. The first test was at only 7dp3dt (10dpo) and the line was very faint so, I spent my holiday weekend TESTING to watch the lines darken up and indicate that the lil bean(s) are snuggling in and my HCG levels are going up. IM says she hasn't stopped smiling and looks back at my text at least 10x a day - it all still feels like a dream.

BFP !!

Oh how I love that acronym! Big Fat Positive - ok well in this case it was a faint positive (which is what we expect at this point) but there is no denying the results when you see the word "Pregnant" come up on a digital.

I was soooo soooo very nervous about testing this time around - I knew my heart would break for K&S if I didn't have good news, so I swore to no testing before the 7dp3dt (10dpo) window. At 3am I woke up needing to use the bathroom and figured there was no holding it till morning so ...

At first I didn't see it and I honestly thought it was a negative but then after what was only a few seconds - but felt like forever - I saw the hint of pink in the test area and soon enough it was pretty clear and undeniably there. Right away I texted IM "OMG I'm seeing double!! There is a second line!! It's POSITIVE!!" I tried to go back to sleep, which wasn't easy after all the excitement, and when I got up a couple hours later I tested again with the digital and sent the pics to K&S. I heard from them awhile later - they are over the moon excited and I'm just amazed and honored that I get to help create another beautiful family.

We still have a long road ahead of us all but K and I agree that sharing this news is so much better than the alternative and should be shouted from the mountain tops. I personally feel - regardless of the outcome - it's always best to have a support group and friends alongside for whatever may come.

We are praying for a healthy uneventful pregnancy and will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of their precious bundle(s) in Feb/March next year.

Blood work will be drawn at the end of the week.